Hey Al
by Essieowl
Summary: Milex. A series of letters where feelings are confessed, and responded to. But nothing like this could ever run smoothly. I'd like to encourage people to take this any way they like once the letters end, and to please write a continuation of or an end to the story, as long as you credit me here of course. I'd love to find out where you think this story would go. Enjoy!
1. Letter 1

Hey Al.

I know this is cheesy, me writing a letter and everything, but I can't bring myself to tell you out loud. Not straight off the bat. Maybe after I know you've read this I'll be able to talk about it, if you want me to.

Now I'm trying to write it down, I can't think of anything to say. I guess you've always been my best mate, and I'm really glad about that. You're amazing. I know you know that, and I know everyone else that you meet knows that, but I want you to know that I think that, and I think I thought it first, to be honest. I think you're amazing.

The times I love the most are when it's just us two, so we don't have to worry about how close we get, what we talk about, how long we just spend smiling at each other. Mostly with our guitars or a film on. I don't even know what we talk about half the time, but I love talking to you. You make me laugh and I like your voice, I could listen to it for hours – I sometimes do! I want you to know that I'm fine with that, all of it. I hope you are too, or you wouldn't want to spend time with me. And I always will be, whatever 'that' actually ever means. Are you getting my drift? I bloody hope so.

I want to spend more time with just you, Al. But it's getting dangerous now, because every time it's just the two of us, I get so tempted. Whenever there are other people around I can use them as an excuse to get away from you for a minute and collect myself. But otherwise, my chest gets really tight and my throat goes all weird and I suddenly get really hot, and my eyes water and all this weird stuff that sounds like hayfever but it isn't, cos I know it's you that does it to me. Fuck, it's even happening a little now, writing this out.

I'm not nearly as poetic or good with words as you are, Alex, and none of these paragraphs have really made it any easier for me to say what I actually fucking want to say.

I love seeing your name written down like that, especially in my handwriting. It sounds so beautiful in my head. I love and relish saying it out loud.

I feel on edge every time we get close, like there's some kind of static energy around you. You send little electric shocks through me every time you actually touch me and it makes my heart jump. Whenever you look me in the eye, the opposite happens and it's like my heart has slowed down instead. Your eyes are so big and dark and deep and beautiful. Your mouth makes me want to cry; your lips are perfect. Whatever you do with that mouth, whether you're talking, singing, smoking, smiling… it can do no wrong and I spend far too long staring at it. You know something I'd really love? I want to know if your lips are as soft as they look. I want to run my fingertips over them. I want them on mine. I want you to fucking kiss me Al, I've said it. Just thinking about it makes me feel dizzy.

I know it's highly likely that you won't read this far, because I know you won't like what you're reading. I'm sorry. I just can't put up with trying to hide it any more. I know telling you isn't going to make it any better, but it'll make it different, and I need a change, because this is killing me. If you don't ever want to spend time alone with me again, that's fine. But please don't cut me off completely. You're the best friend I've ever had, and I hope that I've meant something to you. I know you've got cooler, more attractive, generally better people as your friends than I could ever hope to be, but I also know that I've been in your life for a long time and I think it'd be a shame if that had to end. So I'm so sorry for doing this. It's selfish, and I'm already beginning to consider burning this piece of paper but I won't because I've spent far too long thinking about telling you to throw it all away now. I said at the beginning that I might come and talk to you after I know you've read it, but in reality that's not going to happen. I'm going to keep quiet and nothing's going to change. If you want, I'll just fade into the background and you won't even notice I'm there. I'm sure that won't be too hard.

I'm so sorry. You're my best friend.

Miles


	2. Letter 2

Miles.

Why didn't you come and say this to me? I can see you trying to guess whether I've read it yet, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I haven't. If there's ever anything you want to tell me, tell me. Don't write it down.

Because now I've got the job of deciding how to respond. I know I'm contradicting myself by writing back instead of talking to you, but you've made it pretty bloody hard by not being open in the first place so I feel like I have the right to be just as selfish.

You're my best mate too, man. And I'm glad about that too. You think I'm amazing? Well that's a little bit weird, if I'm honest. I'm not amazing. All I have is looks. You have a heart.

Those times are nice, aren't they? I feel like I can relax. I don't know if you notice, but I let my guard down when it's just me and you. It's nice that we can sit in silence and just be. I don't think many people get an opportunity like that with another person. And I'd rather have you around than be on my own. So of course I'm fine with it! Don't you know that? As for your 'drift', I'm not sure that I was getting it, at that point of the letter. But I think I do now.

More time? We'd get fed up of each other, Miles. 'Dangerous' and 'tempted' are two strong words. Am I really that risky? I can completely relax, completely be myself around you. Are you telling me that you can't do the same around me any more? If that's the case, I don't think you're 'fine with that'. I think I'm more 'fine with that' than you are. I wish you'd told me. I've never noticed you getting like that when we're alone. I think you must be blowing it out of proportion. It sounds like I'm making you nervous. You've ruined it now, don't you realise? Next time it's just us two, I'm going to be all tense, worrying that you're nervous, and you're going to be there getting all bothered like you've described because you're getting 'tempted'. It's not going to be the same. I can't believe you'd do that to us, but you have.

I'm not good with words, Miles. I write lyrics that people like. I'm not a fucking romantic.

I don't know what to say to that, it's weird.

How have I not noticed any of this? We're so close; I think I would have bloody noticed if your heart was jumping every time I touched you. Are you sure this is actually happening to you or are you just getting carried away? My eyes and my lips. Seriously? How fucking clichéd do you want to get? Is this supposed to be some kind of fucking high school love letter? If there's one thing I have noticed, it's you staring at my mouth. Which is a bit weird, mate. If you want me to kiss you, you should ask. Or get me drunk and come on to me. Or kiss me first. Or are you too scared about how I'd react? I don't know how I'd fucking react because you haven't fucking tried. And now I don't think you're going to want to, because I'm being a dick, so we'll both always wonder what it might've been like. You've seriously fucked this up, Miles.

I'd be even more pissed off if you hadn't given 'needing a change' as a reason for this. That's fair enough. I can see that. But you still should have come and said it to me. It doesn't make it more romantic by writing it down. If anything, it makes it more risky, because someone could find this.

You're not going to know that I've read your letter until you get this. And I'm not going to know that you've read this, that you know I know, until you do something about it. Don't be a fucking coward. I'm just going to keep on acting as if everything's normal, and I'm perfectly happy to do that for as long as you leave it. So there you go, I won't cut you off. Why would I, you're my best mate! You've made a mess of this but it's not the end of the world. Things might change between us but I'm not going to suddenly start hating you. I'm just pissed off. We can't both 'keep quiet'. Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself, and stop putting yourself down. You're being a right idiot.

Come and fucking talk to me.

Alex.


	3. Letter 3

You're a fucking bastard. I poured my heart out to you. And you're 'pissed off'? Of course I wasn't going to say it to your face. Put yourself in my position. For fuck's sake Alex, I tried so hard. That took me days to write. You say I'm your best mate and you're glad about that. Why's that then? I've always had my doubts, but now I'm pretty sure. It's because I'm shit. I make you look good, and I make you feel better about yourself because I'm hardly worth the ground you walk on. I've always known that, Al, and I've always been scared that you knew it too. It's been hard, being your best friend. But every so often you restore what little faith I have, by genuinely smiling at me, or laughing at something I say, or seeming like you want to be and enjoy being around me. But now you've got me confused. What do I actually mean to you? You mean a hell of a lot to me. You said the word 'weird' three times in your letter. I don't know exactly what to make of that, but it makes me feel like all the effort I put into mine has been completely lost on you. You're right, you're not good with words. You're good with feelings, and right now you're making me feel like crap.

I'm glad you understand what those times mean, Al. That one paragraph is the only thing giving me hope.

Of course I can be myself and relax around you! If anything, when it's just us, it helps me to forget about this worry because I can pretend that you know, that it's all okay. But sometimes when I'm doing that I get carried away and snap out of it to realise that I'm about to reach out and hold your hand or something like that. That's when I start feeling funny. I'm not fucking blowing it out of proportion, that's exactly what happens. I know I've ruined it! I'm struggling with this, it's hard for me! What do you mean, you wish I'd told you? I have told you! If I'd spoken to you about it, I wouldn't have been able to get it out properly and I'd probably have just ended up laughing it off and getting nowhere. It isn't selfish, you bastard. I hope you realise how much those two single lines hurt, by the way. How have you not noticed it? Because I fucking hide it, because I don't want you to notice it, because you're not perceptive enough, because you weren't looking for it, I DON'T KNOW. It's not my fault! The fact is, it's happening to me, Alex. And it's a fucking nightmare. I'm not being clichéd, you bastard. There's so much more about you that I like but I thought it'd be too much to say. I can't believe you'd put me down like this! And once again, put yourself in my shoes, you ignorant fuck. You, the confident one, the flirt, the looker, you find it easy to get a snog. If you wanted to kiss me I know you'd probably have tried all of those things, and they'd have worked. But the fact is Alex, I'm shy, I'm not attractive, I'm not confident, I know you wouldn't want me to kiss you, I wouldn't dare do it in front of other people for that reason but whenever we're alone it's so perfect that I wouldn't want to ruin it with something stupid like a kiss. Because I know you'd reject me. Even if you – apparently - don't know yourself (come on, who are you kidding?), I know. Well that's great, I'm glad you understand. Are you getting the sarcasm there? You don't fucking understand. Unless you feel the same about me – which you don't – you don't understand. I don't see what else I could have done. How dare you call me a coward. It hurts, coming from you. As if you don't think I know it already. I'm not going to come and talk to you about it, because you've made it very clear that you're pissed off and slightly disgusted, and I don't want to embarrass myself any more by trying to sort this out face to face. I'll say it again, I tried so fucking hard with that letter, and this is what I get in return. I don't have anything else to say to you.


	4. Letter 4

Bloody hell, Miles! Did I really come across as so offensive that I deserved a kind of reply like that? Listen, I wasn't expecting this, okay? Of course I'm going to find it weird! And I get that it must've been hard writing that. Honestly, I'm no good at talking about feelings, so I respect you for doing it. But I was pissed off because you didn't say (and still haven't said) anything. You haven't even changed how you're acting around me. I want to talk to you, Miles, but I'm not starting the conversation, you're going to have to do it. To be honest, I think that might help you with it.

Right. You've got to stop this. Putting me on a pedestal – we are two different people Miles, and one of us isn't better than the other. "It's been hard being your best friend" – how do you think that makes me feel, hearing that? I honestly don't think I've ever done or said anything to you to put you down, or make you feel less attractive or intelligent or whatever than me. Why this sudden attack? I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, really I am. It hurts me to know it. You mean so much to me, how could I have known you for this long and not appreciate and recognise the fact that you're still there, always, no matter what? Please, if I've ever done anything to make you doubt our friendship, tell me. I'm sorry you feel that way!

I can almost hear you spitting those words at me. I've already said that I appreciate what it must've taken to write that thing, and that it's inevitable that I'm going to find it weird. If you're so keen for me to see it from your point of view, why not try doing the same for me?

Of course I enjoy spending time with you – You. Are. My. Best. Friend. Was the rest of my letter really so awful that it made you lose hope? You're overreacting.

Okay that's… interesting. And it makes sense. You do seem to withdraw sometimes; I was always worried that was because I was getting too close to you. Well, I suppose it was, in a way. Do you want me to keep my distance?

If you'd had come to me and said "Al, I need to talk to you", I wouldn't have let you walk away again without telling me what it was. When you sit down to talk to me, I know when you're being serious about something, and when you don't really want to say something, and when something's bothering you. You've been hiding this one well. I don't care how many times I say it: I wish you'd come to me and told me. Then we could have started working at sorting it out, rather than sending insults to each other on bits of paper!

Listen, I'm not going to directly reply to any more of that because most of it is you being fucking furious and I don't fancy reading through it again. I will say this though, you do need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Miles. I get that this must be hard, but you can't be the only person in the world who's felt like this about someone. You know I've been through hell when it comes to relationships, I've been through the heartache and frustration and anger. I don't care that the circumstances then were different. They're the same emotions, if for different reasons. And I've been there. Secondly, stop putting yourself down. You've got a lot going for you, Miles, and a lot of people can see that. You're making it out as if I'm some kind of better version than you, which I'm not. Think about it, when the two of us are alone, and we're being ourselves, do you still feel like some kind of lesser being? (I bloody hope not, because if you do then we do have a problem.) It's a confidence thing. You're confident around me but not so much around others, whereas I don't give a shite either way. It's just who we are. Please please believe that you aren't "hardly worth the ground I walk on", or that anybody else walks on, for that matter. You're so much more. I'm sorry I upset you.

Alex


	5. Letter 5

What did you expect, Al? You wrote to me like I was a child, like I'd said something stupid that I didn't really mean and you were explaining the reasons why I'm wrong. Of course I was going to be angry!

Look, I can't do it. There have been so many times when I've thought 'fuck it' and opened my mouth to start that conversation, but I get all choked up and it won't come out. And that's because of what you are to me. I'm not putting you on a pedestal, you've been up there from the moment I met you. Do you remember? I used to be so eager to see you, to talk to you. It's because I couldn't quite believe that you actually wanted to be around me, to be my friend, even! I still get that sometimes, when I'm not feeling good about myself. Of course I know you're my friend (and you can't possibly begin to understand how much that simple fact helps me sometimes), but you always have been a step higher than me, Al. And that's why I'm so afraid - I don't want to upset the balance and find myself falling down this metaphorical staircase or whatever bullshit you want to imagine it as, and leave you behind at the top, where you'll always be.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you feel bad. You've done nothing to make me feel like this, you know you haven't. And neither has anybody else, for that matter. It's just the way I see you, and myself. I'd even go as far to say that it's plain fact. I'm so sorry, you've never been anything but kindness to me, and I appreciate that, I really do. You've even helped me to feel a little better about myself sometimes. I hope I'm not sounding too gushing or adoring or anything. Like I say, it's just like fact to me. But I know what we have, and where we stand (or stood before I went and did this), and you've been the best, Al, you really have.

You didn't even seem to consider or appreciate what I wrote, that's why I got so bloody angry! And I'll tell you, I wouldn't have got like that if we'd been talking. It's easier, saying what I actually think, when you're not in front of me. Do you think I didn't play the scenario of you reading my words over and over again in my head? I'm far too careful not to have thought this through properly. I knew you wouldn't like it. But I thought you might reply with a little more delicacy than you did. This is stupid though, arguing over each other's responses. Maybe we both overreacted a little. I'm sorry if I did.

What does 'best friend' mean to you nowadays, Alex? And don't read that as an accusation, it's a genuine question. Because you've changed a lot over the past few months. This is something else I've been meaning to talk to you about, so I might as well get it over with now. You don't seem to appreciate people as much as you used to. Not the old friends – we'll always be here no matter what you're like – but new people you meet. Girls, especially. I appreciate that you haven't had a girlfriend in a while and all that, but you don't talk to any of them friendly any more. It's all flirting, and if they're not interested, then neither are you, and you cast them off without an apology or any more chat or anything. I'm making you sound terrible, which you're not… this isn't coming out very well. I'm just saying that you don't seem as genuinely happy to get to know a new person as you used to. You're cutting yourself off a lot. Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm worried about you. You seem to be closing in on yourself, and your personality's getting shut away, leaving this predictable 'lad' behaviour that isn't the Alex Turner I know. Are you aware of this? Is it deliberate?

No, please don't.

Okay, that was my original reaction. But think it through, after everything I've said. I don't want you to keep your distance. Whether that's a good or bad thing and whether you do or not is up to you. I can't make any promises to you or myself any more.

I know. But that wouldn't change the fact that I'd be too nervous and downright terrified to say it properly. I'd probably become an absolute mess and get all embarrassed and that wouldn't do me any favours. You'd be all supportive and lovely and maybe hold me if I broke down but that wouldn't change what you'd be thinking about me, and I thought and still do think that I have a much better chance of you taking me seriously and a much lesser chance of looking like an idiot in front of you by writing it all down. I don't know how long it'll be before I feel like I'm not taking any risks by talking to you face to face, but I'm not there yet.

I think I have every bloody right to feel sorry for myself, actually. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't make any difference. And I'm sorry, but there's an added element of shame and hopelessness and general disgust at myself in this that I don't think you've ever felt in your life, you lucky sod. When we're alone, there are times when I just forget everything and it's just you and me. But like I said, sometimes that makes me far too confident for my own good, and I have to check myself and remember who we both are, if that makes sense. And then it's back to Alex and Miles. Have you ever noticed that, how people always say your name first? It sounds wrong the other way round. But yeah, I know it's a lot to do with confidence. Although even if I had the same amount of confidence as you and didn't feel like this, I still reckon you'd get more attention. Maybe that's just the way I see you. Thank you, for saying that. It sounds genuine the way you put it. I'm sorry I got so annoyed.

Miles


	6. Letter 6

Miles,

You're making me blush.

I'm glad I haven't done anything to make you feel bad about yourself. I'd be mortified if I had. That wasn't gushing or anything, don't worry. But I think I owe you a bit of open admiration, even if you're adamant that none of what you're feeling is my fault. Like I've said before, I'm shite at things like this, but I'm going to try my best. You are a lovely, kind, wonderful person. You don't half make me laugh. You're the first person I think to go to if I'm feeling down, because I trust you and I know you'll say the right things to make me feel better. And I'm not afraid of being at my worst around you, because you don't judge me and I trust you. I know I've said that twice but I mean it. I'd trust you with my life, Miles. You're one of my biggest sources of comfort. I look up to how you make people laugh and always have time to listen and are so caring. You give incredible advice. I wish you could give some to yourself, sometimes! You never make me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything when I'm with you around other people. I'm proud to call you my friend.

Jesus christ, I hate talking all cheesy and sentimental like that, but I hadn't realised how much you needed it. You're so good at pretending to be okay!

I'm thinking it all over now, and I realise that what I should have been is flattered. I'm a bit confused now, though. I kind of want to go back and read your first letter again but I'm almost scared to. Fuck me, I don't know what to make of this, now!

"It's easier, saying what I actually think, when you're not in front of me." I've been playing that round in my head for a while now. I probably shouldn't have dissected your words as much as I have but this can't be right, can it? Us two, not being able to talk? Being this scared? Because you've got me scared now, Miles. I can't approach you about this any more because I don't know what I think about it any more. I don't know what I'd say. I'd be so scared of hurting you or offending you or something. This isn't right, but I don't know what to do about it.

I've changed? I haven't meant to. I hadn't realised! Am I really like that to girls? I dunno, I just can't be bothered to speak to people any more. But that's awful, though. If you catch me doing that again, tell me! I'm getting caught up in things, I suppose. Thinking a lot. And new people always say the same things. They always want to know all the facts about you, and I'm fed up of talking about myself again and again. It's nicer to talk to someone who you've established all the basics with, you know what I mean? Less hassle. Then you can actually talk about important things. I'm not becoming a lad, am I? Bloody hell. Am I shutting myself off from you? I don't want to start losing people. I'm happy with the people I've got around me now. And everyone seems to want to get to know Alex Turner nowadays. I don't want to be Alex Turner when I'm not on stage, I just want to be Al. But nobody new understands that, so there's no point in trying with them. I've got better things I could be doing, I suppose. And I'm always thinking about new material, too. You know how I hate getting distracted, or feeling like I'm wasting time. I'm trying to explain it, but I hadn't noticed myself changing so it's pretty hard… has anyone else said anything? This is just how I feel nowadays. I don't think I've ever felt that much different. What should I do, Miles?

Okay. I don't want to keep my distance, either. I understand what you're saying there.

That all makes perfect sense, you know. You're bloody good at explaining things. But I wouldn't be thinking anything bad about you if you broke down, Miles, I'd be worried, and I'd want to help. I don't know what to think, and I don't think I'd have known what to think if you'd talked to me and been like that. I care about you, and that's all I know for sure at the moment. That's all I'm using to try and make sense of this. No success so far, but I'll keep you posted.

Woah okay, maybe I was being a bit harsh. Don't feel like that, Miles! I can't say anything to help yet and I'm sorry, but please stop feeling so bad about everything! You have every right to feel what you want about who you want. I'm sorry I can't make it better. Seriously, I'm working on it. I know what you need is some kind of verdict from me and I just can't give you one yet. I'm sorry. I hate that you're feeling this way and I'm over here being bloody useless.

Okay. Miles, next time, don't check yourself. Let yourself go. Forget who we both are, whatever you mean by that. Make it just us. Do whatever feels right, and I'll promise to go with it, if it feels right for me too. Don't let your uncertainty ruin those moments for you, be confident and make them better. Maybe that'll be easier than talking. I don't have a bloody clue what I'm doing here, but we'll just go round in circles unless something happens, and I'm fucking scaring myself by even imagining about thinking about this but what else are we going to do?

You're clutching at straws there, mate. People say my name first because it's the one with two syllables, because that's what always happens when you've got one word with one syllable and the other with two. And if you were as confident as me then I'd be screwed. Honestly, you're the nicer person of the two of us and if you let more people see that instead of hiding behind me, more people would love you for it. It is genuine, Miles. You've confused the fuck out of me but that doesn't make me any less your friend.

Alex


	7. This is as far as the letters go

_This is as far as the letters go. _

_It's up to you now to decide what happens from here. _

_Are they capable of approaching one another face to face to talk about this, or do the letters continue? Do they bring up the subject, or does it come up by chance? Will this situation conclude in happiness or heartbreak? Feel free to continue writing in the letter format or take this into a narrative. It's up to you._

_Please, please let me know if you've decided to take this story into your own hands. I love the thought of such a rich community of writers out there all with different opinions and imaginations taking a little seed like this and growing it into what they want it to be._

_I would love to hear from you either by a private message or a review, whether you've got your own next chapter of this story to share with me or just if you want to let me know what you think._

_Thank you for reading. I look forward to what you can create._

_Essie._


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